FIGHTING

an excerpt from the new book Positive Discipline, a Teacher’s A-Z Guide,

Why do kids (or adults) fight? Although the reasons may seem innumerable, there are actually just two: power struggles and revenge.

No matter how many other reasons you think of, they will all fit under one of these two headings.

What are wars fought over? Insults (producing a desire for revenge) or greed (leading to a struggle to attain more power) or some misguided claim to virtue (wanting the power to say who or what is right and wrong). Similarly, kids fight about insults, who gets to have the toy or sports equipment, and who is right or wrong about some issue. Of course, another major reason kids fight is that the adults in their lives haven t taught them other possibilities either by example or through developing the children’s problem-solving skills. Children live what they learn.

SUGGESTIONS

1. Adopt the attitude that fights, like any other problem, present wonderful opportunities for learning.

2. Teach students that there are respectful ways to handle conflicts.

3. Intervene in a fight by asking the combatants whether one of them would be willing to put the problem on the class-meeting agenda. Students learn to understand differences and work on nonpunitive solutions in class meetings. Furthermore, regular meetings are an excellent way to assure students that they will be heard.

4. Intervene in a fight by asking the students whether they would like help right now or prefer to take some time to cool off in the classroom’s positive time-out place. (Refer to positive time-out.) A group of Texas high school teachers have found that establishing a designated cooling-off place in the room with pleasant things to do has greatly reduced the number of student fights. The teachers model this technique for regaining self control by using the time-out spot themselves. One high school teacher even has rocking chair for the cooling-off place.

5. If the students would like help, offer them a choice between sitting down with each other to work their difficulties out and including you in the process.

6. Refer them to the four problem-solving steps (see the third item under Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems).

7. Another way to help is to ask how and what questions after the students have cooled off. What happened? What caused it to happen? How do you feel about it? What did you learn from this experience? What ideas do you have for solving the problem? How can you use what you have learned to prevent the problem in the future? (Sometimes it’s helpful for students to answer these questions on paper so they can collect their thoughts before discussing the issue.)

8. Do the unexpected: Intervene by playfully stepping between the fighters and pretending to be a TV-news reporter covering their altercation. Announce, while holding out your thumb as though it were a microphone, I m a reporter for CBN. Who would like to tell me exactly what happened here? Students will usually catch the spirit of your game. Be sure to hear both sides. Then turn to an imaginary audience and say, Tune in tomorrow, folks, to hear how this conflict was settled.

9. If real danger is imminent, keep your mouth shut and act. When a student is about to throw a rock at another student, move quickly to stop the throwing. At the high school level, you may have to send for help to deal with a fight immediately. Later you can use any of the other approaches.

PLANNING AHEAD TO PREVENT FUTURE PROBLEMS

1. Build trust, empathy, and an understanding of separate realities among your students. Respect for differences eliminates many fights.

2. Develop problem-solving skills through regular class meetings.

3. Teach students the four problem-solving steps:

a. Ignore it. (It takes more courage to walk away than it does to stay and fight.) Ignoring the dispute

can take the form of doing something else for while finding a game or activity that distracts you from the fight. It can also mean going somewhere else to cool off.

b. Talk it over respectfully. This means four things: telling the other person how you feel,

listening to how the other person feels, acknowledging to one another how each person contributed

to the problem, and telling each other what you are willing to do differently.

c. Agree on a solution. This may simply involve one or both of you offering an together for sharing

or taking turns.

b. Ask for help if you can t work the problem out together. You can put it on the class-meeting

agenda. Or you can both approach a teacher, parent, or friend and ask this person whether he would talk the problem over with the two of you.

4. Have students role-play typical fights, such as shoving in line, scuffles over playground equipment, put-downs that escalate into fistfights, and arguing over a boyfriend or girlfriend. Then let them practice brainstorming for solutions.

5. Some schools have students who are trained in conflict resolution or peer counseling.

However, this is often unnecessary when the whole class is participating in class meetings. INSPIRATIONAL STORIES Two stories from Suzanne Smith, school psychologist, Sharon School, Charlotte, North Carolina A Son’s Guidance The mother of a student in Beth Brewington’s second-grade class shared this story with Beth. One evening the student’s mother and father had an argument, and shortly thereafter the mother and son left the house. Riding in the car, the son asked about his parents angry outburst. His mother explained that Dad was very tired and that perhaps they had both not used the best self-control in the situation. The boy, who had been participating in class meetings for the past three school years, said, Well, you know, Mom, you need to go back to Dad and apologize for losing your temper like that. Then you need to shake hands, hug each other, and talk about the problem in order to solve it.

His mother was somewhat surprised at the maturity of his comments, but thanked him and admitted that his advice was good. When they arrived home, she went into the house and approached her husband. After she apologized, her husband put out his hand to shake hers, just as the son had told his mother to do. The parents burst out laughing at that point, because they realized their son had given Dad the same advice at an earlier time. Both parents were impressed with their son’s ability to put the Three R s of Recovery into practice.

(Recognize a mistake, reconcile through apology, and resolve problems together.) The boy’s intervention was a great example of the far-reaching effects of positive discipline in the classroom. Three Students Solve It Themselves A very upset teacher brought three fifth-grade boys to my office. She was completely outdone by their misbehavior and needed some time away from them. The boys sat around my table and began talking about what had happened.

Within a few minutes, one of the boys commented that he thought he could understand why their behavior had upset the teacher so much, and he went on to explain. The other boys and I listened, and a few minutes later, one of these two came up with a suggestion for how they could handle such situations in the future. Soon another suggestion was made, and there was a little discussion among the boys. Then one of them said, Ms. Smith, we think we should separate ourselves from each other anytime the class is lining up to go somewhere for a while. We want to try this plan for a couple of weeks, and we’ll get back with you to let you know how it worked. I had given them only a listening ear. In return, they had given me another indication that, at our school, we are on the right track with our students, equipping them for solving problems throughout their lives.

handout - developing capable people - fighting.doc, 6/17/02